You were the first green eyes I ever loved.
The second person I consciously looked at and claimed as mine,
Before we even spoke.
You knew me through all the bullshit on both sides,
You were the first to speak “soul mates.”
I didn’t fully buy into it, but it felt like something new, so
I took it up with enthusiasm.
And God how I loved you.
I loved you across the years,
Across the screaming,
Through my self destruction,
And far across all the miles.
I loved you desperately and stubbornly.
I loved you when you were no longer mine;
Kept you kicking and screaming
Into a cage of friendliness.
Then you said you loved me again,
Or not again, but still.
I broke myself for you, again, and over, and one time more,
For old time’s sake.
You threw me just enough fragments
To keep me.
Then I was finally full.
Full of your bullshit,
I couldn’t look at those eyes anymore.
I didn’t recognize you as someone I bent for,
Someone worth redeeming.
I couldn’t look at myself,
After all I did in the name of you.
All the hopes I hung on that slow, crooked smile.
I sucked the poison out,
Severed that red string that I worked so hard to weave,
And spat in the face of Aristophanes’ story;
But short of amnesia, I can’t get rid of you.
These are the last words from me you’ll get,
And they are still more than you deserve.
From time to time though, my thoughts will find you.
I will wonder what you’re saying about me now,
After receiving the words preceding these.
I’d like to hear the hate you’re spewing,
The secrets about me you’re spilling.
More than that,
I’d like to know if for once in your life there’s actually some conviction behind your words.
Weeks from now, I want a song to sound like me.
Months from now, I want an empty feeling where I used to be.
Years from now, I hope a face that rings familiar haunts you in a crowd.
But these are things I’ll never know,
I’d have no way to.
It would never make a difference,
I wouldn’t assume that my absence could soften you,
After all, my presence never did.